Friday, October 29, 2010

Obsessive behavior...

Since having Scarlett I realized that I am crazy obsessive over "stuff". I have to know where things are at all times otherwise my mind is consumed by the thought of every place that it could be hiding. I have always been this way but it came out in full force when a child with even more "stuff" to obsess over was introduced.

Before marriage and babies I would go to bed at night scanning the invisible checklist in my mind, my Granny's old Bible, in the drawer next to my bed, my baby blanket (yes, I still had this until the day I got married), in my arms or under my pillow; my mothers wedding ring, safely tucked away in my jewelry box. All these things had a reason, history, or emotion attached that gave them meaning. Now I worry about pacifiers, bottles, stuffed animals and tiny shoes. I am constantly counting pacifiers, wondering how I could have lost four in ten months. My bag is always packed the same every morning and comes back to me in disarray every night. I take an inventory and a mental note of who might have left what at which house.

I know I am totally crazy, what kind of mom thinks she can keep track of every little thing in her house?  Well, honestly, this one.  But, after realizing that I am secretly driving myself insane,  I decided to make a change. Only sweat the big stuff.  I'll hang onto those things that evoke emotion, the dresses that I can give to Scarlett for her future family,  the pictures reflecting memories that will fade with time, the jewelry that might loose its sparkle but always keep its story.  I will surrender to just enough obsessive behavior to remember what is important and let the rest of my craziness slowly chip away one pacifier at a time.  Here's to new beginnings...

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