When I started this blog I knew I wanted it to be a place to
record our family history, the history that time would otherwise chip away from
our memory. Most of what I have chosen
to record are the smiles, laughter, jokes, art and food of our daily life but
that wouldn’t show a true depiction of our history and we would miss out on the
ups and downs that make a family real. Although
time is the only thing that can dull the painful memories we sometimes
encounter, and we often welcome the passing of time and the slow loss of these
memories, I want to record them for our future selves to find and reflect.
Two months ago Chris and I took a pregnancy test and it was
positive. We sat down that evening and
reflected on how different it felt this time around. Like we were completely ready, ready to
embrace the next step in growing our family. We didn’t cry, we didn’t stare at
the walls in disbelief, we kissed and said “let’s do this”. We told Scarlett and asked her if she wanted
a brother or sister and she said “no” to both.
We decided not to tell any one just yet.
We knew we found out really early and wanted to see the doctor to prove
that it was all real. The following
weekend I started bleeding. We lost a
family member. On the way home from
church Scarlett excitedly looked at us and said, “mommy baby belly”, we said
“no” and told her that we would explain when she could better understand.
The loss was quick and virtually painless, but sad, truly
sad. I was on the constant verge of
tears, still hoping that this really didn’t happen. My mind was distracted and
a little confused. I was surprisingly
unsure of how to process the pregnancy.
One day I was filled with life, fostering another soul, and the next
facing grief that no woman should have to carry. It happened so fast. Chris was encouraging but there was still
very little that he could do to ease the discomfort of blame that I naturally
put on myself. Why, why does this
happen? I know that in time God will
answer this question, that with time I will gain peace. But right now I wait. Wait for time to pass and record this memory into our family history,
remembering the little life that was lost, and with Gods grace look forward to
the lives to come.
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