Monday, August 31, 2015

Boys...

I have a confession...I have always held a deep rooted concern for my lack of connection with Dominic.  I never felt the mother son bond that I had heard so much about from my friends with boys.  He always felt like a foreign species.  I could never fully grasp his needs, emotionally or physically and it didn't help that Scarlett is literally a mini me.  I understood her from day one, she needed me and I needed her. The connection with her was there from the moment I saw her and I found myself comparing the two relationships against each other, always wondering what was missing from my time with Dominic.

It was during my pregnancy and in the few hours I got to spend with him while Scarlett was at School that I finally got over myself and reached out to him. His love language was suddenly so clear to me, he was screaming for time. He was craving deep focused love and attention.  In those moments when I allowed myself to just be with Dominic his response was the most loving boy I have ever known. I saw his pure, kind heart. I saw his concern and love for his sister and for those around him, I felt the need behind every bear hug, I was able to respond differently to his emotional breakdowns and give him grace in his tantrums.  He desires to be close and I was neglecting to give him this one simple thing and therefore shutting out any potential for a fruitful relationship with my son.

I spent a few pregnant nights with him while he slept, crying over the loss of time.  I cried over the deep rooted selfishness that I was showing him by forcing him to be something that he would never be...his sister. Although I will always have a special bond with Scarlett, my little girl and first born, going forward I will also have a uniquely special and different bond with my boy(s). I am ready for a new beginning with my son(s) and look forward to redefining the word "bond" in my vocabulary to fit the relationship I create with each child. And in the meantime I will pray that poor Dominic will not be scarred too deeply from the middle child syndrome that I forced upon him thus far.

P.S.  I am so thankful that God gave us another boy.  I absolutely can not wait to watch these two grow and play together.

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