Saying "see you soon" to my shadow...

Aug 16, 2019

Max was born in the midst of a very dark season.  We had just moved to Washington and we were all alone with the exception of our one saving grace, the Schambari family, who offered a safe haven to our family on the nights we didn't feel like cooking (which was most), loved our children when I felt like I couldn't, and gave Chris a place to escape in the darkest part of our marriage (both figuratively and was winter in the PNW, if you know).

When I found out I was pregnant with him I was broken.  Everything was new, I was a new stay at home mom in a new state.  My kids were not yet old enough to be in school, so my vocation became get through the day without throwing up on anything, and the rewards felt significantly less tangible. I was tired, lonely, scared, friendless, and mad at my body for making the process of growing a new life so challenging.  I was mad at the tiny clump of cells forming inside of me for simply existing, and mad at all of the tension added to our family.  I put all of my fears into this child.  I put all of my doubts and anger into this innocent being.  I wasn't gracious, or loving,  and didn't hold even an ounce of excitement for the preparation of a new precious life entering the world. So when Max was born and I still felt a resentment towards his presence, I was scared.

Thankfully God met me in this place, like He does, He sat with me in my anger and lifted me out of my fear.  He blessed me with a heart of change.  He told me that it was okay to fear, but reminded me that faith and fear cannot coexist.  I clung to a fear that I would never find a place in my heart for Max to reside, but was reminded that faith could and would replace that fear and cover it with love.  

Oh how I love this boy. The places he filled in my heart can not be easily expressed.  He was everything I needed to lift me from my darkest hour.  God blessed me with his existence, it just took me a 9 stubborn months to see it.

Max quickly became my shadow. As the kids grew and entered school, he remained my sidekick.  In him, I see me.  From an early age he found the balance between needing to be near, and exploring his independence.  He plays by himself for hours, as long as I am within his immediate horizon.  He is obsessed with crafts and science projects.  He loves to read and was born with the skill of a perfect pencil grip.  He is shy and silly.  He is easily embarrassed, and just as easily deterred from tears if redirected to a quick distraction.  He has many comforts that are constantly changing, and almost impossible to anticipate.  His hand will always find mine as a source of security, and mine his.  He is the perfect 5th wheel to our (God willing) finished family of 5.

And so, I entered this past Tuesday morning, his first day of school, with trepidation, knowing it was the day I would have to let him go with a kiss and a "see you later".  His hand gripped mine so tightly, and with a bravery that challenged my own, he said goodbye and let go.  I said "see you soon" to my shadow, praying this next chapter will be just as beautiful as the last.